I have never felt so lost in my life. Not when I met head on what my father dished on me – a spotlight on the head? bring it on! My head is stronger! That moment only changed me, made me stronger and made me fight back. Not when I left for France thousands of miles away from the only life I knew without knowing a single word of French. Not when I parted ways with my ex husband, my only security. Not when I ventured into something unknown with very little to my name.
Home is where the heart is, people say that. And let me tell you, it is true. I left three quarters of my heart without wanting to and with only my fervent hope that I will see them soon.
I have never let depression hit me, even when I only had the clothes on my back , a scooter to ride & 50euros to my name. I didn’t let it conquer me when I didn’t have a roof over my head for months. I didn’t let it crush me when someone tried to take away my dignity & pride.
With only a quarter of my heart and a bit of faith, depression felt like a huge battering ram trying to open my crumbling defenses. I have nothing left to fight it away. My naive confidence cracked and crumbling, my strength is not doing good either. My inspiration? Well, it’s making me create not so cheerful stuff at the moment.
I didn’t realise that my unwanted “holiday” would affect people outside my family but a conversation with a friend made me realise that. I will affect his family too and all those families I’ve worked with. From my recent chat with my husband, it seems we will also need to stop supporting the charities we support. We have to, we do not have endless source of income and this “trouble” we are dealt with requires some expense.
At the moment, I miss hugging my daughter, teasing my son and greeting my husband when he comes home from work. I even miss the tea he immediately makes me after he put his stuff away. I miss going through the images I took over and over again, editing, re-editing and an endless tasks I make because I am never satisfied.
The place of my birth is just that – a place where I was born and grew up. The only connection I have here is my immediate family – my mother and a brother a barely knew. Those I have fond memories of are gone or have moved on. Here, in the place where I grew up, I don’t feel that I belong. I do not like their hypocrite ways and I do not like their blind acceptance of the life their dealt with – just dreams, no goals to reach and work for. I lived outside of my country of birth almost half my life now. I am what my experiences make me.
Life isn’t fair and I know that better than most of you. For most of my life, it hasn’t been fair to me and my family. I had to do something to reach my goals. I can only guess that fate is bored of how idle my life has become recently. My only goal then was to create better pictures. What is there to achieve other than that? My husband and I have created a fun and loving family, we have our little monsters, we own our home, he is happy at work and I am happy with mine.
This drastic change of situation has changed my goal. I do not care about my pictures, I know I take good ones. I do not care about my mother’s neighbours, they cannot help me better myself and my life. Now, I just want to go home, hug my husband and children and tell them I love them.
PS: I cannot tell you what caused this separation, only that we do not want it. We are currently working on it and it is affecting our lives ( and finances).